Ladies…you feel me.

It’s that time of month. That time of month where my emotions are out of control. That time of month where I think to myself, ‘Am I really feeling this way or am I just letting my hormones get in the way of how I’m truly feeling?’
‘Is it PMS or not?’
This is the only thing I hate being about being a girl/woman (sometimes I feel old calling myself a woman, lol). The bloatness, the depression, the bitchness, etc. I just can’t wait for it to be over. Lol. And…then it starts up again next month.
That’s right, I’m talking about my Period.
And during this time, my insecurities are heightened. I’m sure there are other ladies out there that feel me.
And oh…most of the time, when you want someone to vent to.. to comfort you.. to hear your “heightened insecurities” of yourself.. when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, no one wants to hear it. I don’t blame them. I don’t want to hear it from someone else. Who should? It’s negative energy! So who better to tell then my blog? Lol.
Yesterday I gave my BF a taste of my bitchy-emotional-ness. I look back on it today and feel so stupid and sorry he had to hear me & see like that.
Can you tell I’m still in that mode?

Anyways…this post is dedicated to my wacked out emotions. Then, a part two towards the bottom.
^_^

PART ONE: [Feel free to skip this part of this post. Below.]

So…what’s on my mind? What do I NOT love about myself?
The whats and whys:

01. I don’t think I have a bad smile. I have some good picture of myself. Of course, they’re angled a certain way. I do have a “good side” Though, good side is where my teeth look the most less crooked. My teeth are very crooked. If you looked closely to my pictures, they are. I hate them. I really really hate my teeth. Story: one tooth got knocked in from my cousin’s elbow while playing around and the other I pulled & pushed out (baby teeth). Why didn’t I get braces when I was younger? My family couldn’t afford it. Growing up, I’ve had spending habits that didn’t have braces as a priority (stupid). Instead, I think of quick doses-of-happiness by purchasing eyeshadows, lipglosses, shoes, and nail polishes. Eventually I will have braces. Preferably before I get married (if I ever do). I would like straight teeth so my wedding pictures would come out nice.

02. If you noticed, I didn’t mention that shopping for clothes was one of my doses-of-happiness. Shopping for clothes used to be one of my favorite things to do, until I got older. I’ve never been a super skinny girl. Shoot, I’ve never been really a skinny girl. Well…skinny in what the society calls skinny. Girls can’t help but to compare ourselves to other friends, girls at work, bf’s ex-girlfriends, celebrities, etc. It’s just in our DNA to compare ourselves with other girls. Sometimes we do it to put ourselves down…okay majority of the time, and sometimes we do it to encourage/inspire ourselves, like wanting to be fit like a certain celebrity. I really don’t like how my body is right now. Most girl aren’t. I have a cousin who is a size 1 that thinks she’s fat. I’m telling you, we’re just built to think like this. I don’t want to be a anorexic skinny. I just want to fit my clothes better. My jeans are a bit snug. Cellulite is showing up all over my thighs. Muffin top shows if I wear a fitted t-shirt. You get what I mean. I just want to be healthier and fit my clothes better.

03. My speech. I’m not a FOB (Fresh Off the Boat), but I do have a hard time talking sometimes. The main reason is because of my teeth. I have a lisp. I hate it. That’s why I don’t talk in my makeup tutorials on YouTube, nor do I record videos of myself singing. I’m pretty good at singing too. This insecurities goes hand-in-hand with my first one.

04. Towards so many people, I feel like I’m not good enough. I dwell on the past, thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong. Such a big no-no, unless you actually learn from them. I’ll think about how I treated so and so and think, ‘Man Vana, you’re a terrible friend.’ Or ‘Geez, you’re such a bad daughter/sister/coworker.’ Most of the time I’ll be thinking, ‘You’re not a great enough girlfriend. Why is he even with you?’ I keep repeating that question over and over in my head. Then I start to compare myself to the dream girl that I THINK he wants, by thinking of all the past things we’ve fought about that were my fault. Again…with all the comparing. This is where I really feel sorry for myself. When I notice what I’m doing (feeling sorry for myself), I tend to feel even sorrier without even notice I am doing so. What get what I mean? Like negative attracts more negative. Pathetic. Lol.

05. My nose. I Like my nose from the front view, but I hate it from the side views. All I need to say on that one. I have an older post talking about rhinoplasty. I don’t need to go here again.

There are plenty of more insecurities I have, but these are the main ones at the moment.

PART TWO: [Come back to me here.]

I went to a women only seminar about 5-7 years ago, not exactly sure when. There was a segment where Laurie Woodward was speaking about how she dealt with her emotions. See, this stuff happens all the time to women. How she dealt with it was by writing down whatever negative thing she had on her mind, then going back to read it in a calmer state-of-mind, and then figure out if all that negativeness was worth it. I’ve done this a few times, and I tell ya…most of the time, it wasn’t worth it. But you know, we do need to release that negative energy out. The reason for her writing it down was to not spread the trash talkin’ around. I really need to work on that. I mainly only talk to the BF, so you can imagine what stress I can put on him. Sorry, B.
This is way girls needs other girls to talk to sometimes. We just understand what the hell is going on. Lol.

So now that I’ve vented, I will read over this and think it over.

do ta dooo….

[Ready for some mushy stuff?]
Calm state-of-mind. Pep talk. (Which reminds me, there is a book called Pep talk that my friend, Joy recommended me to a long time ago.) I know I am beautiful in my own unique way. I am thankful for the things that were given to me. I am thankful I can walk, see, talk, and hear. Some people can’t even do some of those. If I don’t like something about myself, I will stop complaining and do something about it. I will work out. I will save money for braces. I will be more positive towards the people I love because you never know how long they will be around for. I will embrace what I have. =) Life is too short to be grumpy.

When you think negative, you attract negative. Smile.

Song: Christina Aguilera – “Beautiful”. It can be a corny song, but looked at it in a mature way, a very inspiring song. I have tears sometimes when I sing this. =) Great song.

“God didn’t make no junk.”

A few nail designs I did last week. The first two are clients and the third one are my nails. =) Again, my cuticles are hit up, so excuse them. Lol. Oh yeah..and the last one are my girlfriend’s nails I did a few week ago.

I was watching The View this morning, with special guest Chris Rock. Besides it being Joy Behar’s birthday, the main topic was black women and their hair. Chris Rock was on the show to promote his documentary on African-American women and the world of weaves, relaxers, wigs, etc..called Good Hair. I really want to see this because it’s very interesting and I’m sure it’s gonna show how it’s a multi-billion dollar black hair industry. Crazy, but I believe it. I used to do nails in the D and there was a beauty supply there. It was really cool looking at the different products there. And I’m not talking about your ordinary Sally beauty supply store. Lol.

So back to the show…
Barbara asked Whoopi a question that kind bothered me a pinch. I could tell it bothered Whoopi & Sherri a bit too. I know Barbara doesn’t mean to be racist at all. She’s just doing her job on the show and being curious.
The question to Whoopi:

Why is it so important to take the relaxer as Chris Rock shows… that can burn your scalp, that can do it permanently, all the heat…thousands of dollars spent to have straight hair like a white people. Why not let your own hair go?

Watch the full episode of the View with Chris Rock here. Chris Rock was asked the same question…he answered the best.

One of my previous blog posts was about Tyra interviewing an Asian woman about her getting surgery on her eyes. Tyra thought Asian women was getting their eyelids cut to look more like white women. I really did not like how Tyra was talking to that Asian woman about how she’s not being truthful or whatever…talking like she’s dumb.

The reason it gets me the wrong way is because some people automatically judge and think colored/ethnic people puts white/light skinned people on a pedestal. I’m sure there are people who do, but most don’t.
It’s frickin common sense…
Everyone wants what they don’t have. Naturally. It maybe be because it makes life easier or just in their opinion, prettier.

I don’t hear people saying to a person who goes tanning, “You go tanning because you want to be Mexican?”
I don’t hear people saying to a person who wears a wig, “You wear a wig to be black?”
I don’t hear people saying to a person who dyes their hair black, “You dyed your hair black to be like Asians?”
Okay…I can’t think of great examples right now, but you get what I’m saying, right?

All cultures have their OPINION of what beauty is. African-Amercian women wants straight hair because its easier and prettier, maybe. Asians wants double-eyelids & pale skin because its prettier and easier to apply makeup, maybe.
Bigger breasts. Smaller Noses. Pointer nose. Tanner skin. Permanent curly hair. Permanent straight hair. Hairy armpits. Smaller feet. Bigger Butt. Blonde hair. Red hair. Brown hair. etc.
List goes on and on:

The word Beautiful is like the word Love. There’s no real definition.
Everyone perceives it differently.

My opinion on beautiful?
Big ass boobies. Tan skin. Skinny & pointy nose. Big ass. Red hair. Long toes. Over-bitten nails.
LOL. Just KIDDING!!!
Beauty is YOU being comfortable & happy with yourself, inner and out. If it takes surgery or just a little lipgloss to get you there, then DO IT.

“God didn’t make no junk.”

^_^

I love the whole Twilight series. I read the four books (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn) in a week. Could not put those books down. Love love LOVE the story. Stephanie Meyers is awesome. I love vampires. I’ve loved them ever since “Interview with the Vampire”.
But DAMN…ever since the movie came out, anything & everything to do with vampires have been poppin up. A bit annoying. I understand, vampires are “in”, so now is the time for authors, screenwriters, and merchandisers milk it as much as they can. Vampire books, movies, magazines, posters, etc.. are showing up everywhere now!
I was looking for jeans on Nordstrom.com and came across this…

Seriously?
Lol.
Smart, but annoying.
The makeup line is called Luna Twilight. Think teens will eat that up?

Sometimes I want to wear a bold color during the daytime, but I don’t want to shock anyone who sees me. This is a video on one way I like to wear my bold & bright eye shadows. Great daytime look.
Fun. Flirty. Girly. Simple.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Work was good today. I hear so many stories from my clients and their families. You start to realize that there is always someone in a worse situation than you are. If they went through all of that and still can put a smile on their face, why can’t you? So remember…be thankful, it could be worse. =)

My back is killing me and I still have a lot of cleaning to do at my apartment.
Yawn….it’s 3am. Me tired…