Ladies…you feel me.

It’s that time of month. That time of month where my emotions are out of control. That time of month where I think to myself, ‘Am I really feeling this way or am I just letting my hormones get in the way of how I’m truly feeling?’
‘Is it PMS or not?’
This is the only thing I hate being about being a girl/woman (sometimes I feel old calling myself a woman, lol). The bloatness, the depression, the bitchness, etc. I just can’t wait for it to be over. Lol. And…then it starts up again next month.
That’s right, I’m talking about my Period.
And during this time, my insecurities are heightened. I’m sure there are other ladies out there that feel me.
And oh…most of the time, when you want someone to vent to.. to comfort you.. to hear your “heightened insecurities” of yourself.. when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, no one wants to hear it. I don’t blame them. I don’t want to hear it from someone else. Who should? It’s negative energy! So who better to tell then my blog? Lol.
Yesterday I gave my BF a taste of my bitchy-emotional-ness. I look back on it today and feel so stupid and sorry he had to hear me & see like that.
Can you tell I’m still in that mode?

Anyways…this post is dedicated to my wacked out emotions. Then, a part two towards the bottom.
^_^

PART ONE: [Feel free to skip this part of this post. Below.]

So…what’s on my mind? What do I NOT love about myself?
The whats and whys:

01. I don’t think I have a bad smile. I have some good picture of myself. Of course, they’re angled a certain way. I do have a “good side” Though, good side is where my teeth look the most less crooked. My teeth are very crooked. If you looked closely to my pictures, they are. I hate them. I really really hate my teeth. Story: one tooth got knocked in from my cousin’s elbow while playing around and the other I pulled & pushed out (baby teeth). Why didn’t I get braces when I was younger? My family couldn’t afford it. Growing up, I’ve had spending habits that didn’t have braces as a priority (stupid). Instead, I think of quick doses-of-happiness by purchasing eyeshadows, lipglosses, shoes, and nail polishes. Eventually I will have braces. Preferably before I get married (if I ever do). I would like straight teeth so my wedding pictures would come out nice.

02. If you noticed, I didn’t mention that shopping for clothes was one of my doses-of-happiness. Shopping for clothes used to be one of my favorite things to do, until I got older. I’ve never been a super skinny girl. Shoot, I’ve never been really a skinny girl. Well…skinny in what the society calls skinny. Girls can’t help but to compare ourselves to other friends, girls at work, bf’s ex-girlfriends, celebrities, etc. It’s just in our DNA to compare ourselves with other girls. Sometimes we do it to put ourselves down…okay majority of the time, and sometimes we do it to encourage/inspire ourselves, like wanting to be fit like a certain celebrity. I really don’t like how my body is right now. Most girl aren’t. I have a cousin who is a size 1 that thinks she’s fat. I’m telling you, we’re just built to think like this. I don’t want to be a anorexic skinny. I just want to fit my clothes better. My jeans are a bit snug. Cellulite is showing up all over my thighs. Muffin top shows if I wear a fitted t-shirt. You get what I mean. I just want to be healthier and fit my clothes better.

03. My speech. I’m not a FOB (Fresh Off the Boat), but I do have a hard time talking sometimes. The main reason is because of my teeth. I have a lisp. I hate it. That’s why I don’t talk in my makeup tutorials on YouTube, nor do I record videos of myself singing. I’m pretty good at singing too. This insecurities goes hand-in-hand with my first one.

04. Towards so many people, I feel like I’m not good enough. I dwell on the past, thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong. Such a big no-no, unless you actually learn from them. I’ll think about how I treated so and so and think, ‘Man Vana, you’re a terrible friend.’ Or ‘Geez, you’re such a bad daughter/sister/coworker.’ Most of the time I’ll be thinking, ‘You’re not a great enough girlfriend. Why is he even with you?’ I keep repeating that question over and over in my head. Then I start to compare myself to the dream girl that I THINK he wants, by thinking of all the past things we’ve fought about that were my fault. Again…with all the comparing. This is where I really feel sorry for myself. When I notice what I’m doing (feeling sorry for myself), I tend to feel even sorrier without even notice I am doing so. What get what I mean? Like negative attracts more negative. Pathetic. Lol.

05. My nose. I Like my nose from the front view, but I hate it from the side views. All I need to say on that one. I have an older post talking about rhinoplasty. I don’t need to go here again.

There are plenty of more insecurities I have, but these are the main ones at the moment.

PART TWO: [Come back to me here.]

I went to a women only seminar about 5-7 years ago, not exactly sure when. There was a segment where Laurie Woodward was speaking about how she dealt with her emotions. See, this stuff happens all the time to women. How she dealt with it was by writing down whatever negative thing she had on her mind, then going back to read it in a calmer state-of-mind, and then figure out if all that negativeness was worth it. I’ve done this a few times, and I tell ya…most of the time, it wasn’t worth it. But you know, we do need to release that negative energy out. The reason for her writing it down was to not spread the trash talkin’ around. I really need to work on that. I mainly only talk to the BF, so you can imagine what stress I can put on him. Sorry, B.
This is way girls needs other girls to talk to sometimes. We just understand what the hell is going on. Lol.

So now that I’ve vented, I will read over this and think it over.

do ta dooo….

[Ready for some mushy stuff?]
Calm state-of-mind. Pep talk. (Which reminds me, there is a book called Pep talk that my friend, Joy recommended me to a long time ago.) I know I am beautiful in my own unique way. I am thankful for the things that were given to me. I am thankful I can walk, see, talk, and hear. Some people can’t even do some of those. If I don’t like something about myself, I will stop complaining and do something about it. I will work out. I will save money for braces. I will be more positive towards the people I love because you never know how long they will be around for. I will embrace what I have. =) Life is too short to be grumpy.

When you think negative, you attract negative. Smile.

Song: Christina Aguilera – “Beautiful”. It can be a corny song, but looked at it in a mature way, a very inspiring song. I have tears sometimes when I sing this. =) Great song.

“God didn’t make no junk.”

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